this is yet another random article I found while cleaning out my harddrive. it was a timed piece I wrote while I was supposed to be doing something important like studying for a final or working on a project. It was published in State Press Magazine (ASU) sometime in November 2001.
picture was taken in downtown Denver. Coffee pauses in thoughtful silence as it overlooks its empire.
Seattle, Washington -- Shortly after opening a new coffee shop in the
Memorial Union of Arizona State University, Starbucks officials today
announced that they would be catering more to college aged students and
unveiled plans to open fifteen more coffee shops at ASU alone. The company
has bought a portion of the Computing Commons, two floors of the Language and
Literature building, a section of Hayden library, and several more plots of
land in and around the campus.
The officials cited greater convenience as the main reason the company moved
to enormously expand its presence at the university.
Richard Bitters, spokesman for the University Relations Division of the
company, stated "We understand that college students, particularly around
finals weeks, are in dire need of our products. We appreciate their business
and are making an effort to make ourselves more accessible. Some may argue
that having one coffee shop in Neeb Hall and another in Stauffer Hall is
overkill, but we understand that Tyler Mall can get pretty busy at times, and
many students would appreciate not having to cross it to get their daily dose
of a Grande Double Mocha Frappe Alpacino Especiale."
For the most part, students seemed excited and appreciative of the new
stores. Underwater basket weaving major and Swedish transfer student Lacey
Untherdings exclaimed, "Omigod! That'd be like SO cool, ja?"
However, many are skeptical of Starbucks' supposed benevolence. To Manager of
Operations (or owner) of Coffee Plantation, Max Powers, this is "just another
example of corporate over-expansion." He claimed that Starbucks was planning
on saturating the local coffee market, thereby effectively stamping out the
healthy competition smaller venues offered.
"They were worried and embarrassed at the fact that we, as a small business,
were cutting into their potential profits. They're not out to make things
more convenient for the students, they're out to turn everyone into Starbucks
craving zombies," said Powers, "Already, they put a secret ingredient in
their coffee that makes you crave it fortnightly."
Bitters's response was both calm and frank. "Nonsense, if we thought that
[Powers] offered significant competition to our franchise, we'd just have him
shot. And, in reference to the 'secret ingredient' he was raving about,
there's no secret about 'caffamphetamine,' or 'caffeine overdrive' as we like
to call it; it is currently under a very public review by the Food and Drug
Administration for being too addictive. I'm afraid we're guilty as charged if
by 'addictive,' you mean 'tasty and refreshing!'"
Despite the cool demeanor of both companies, rumors abound that both are in
frantic and aggressive negotiations with school officials to allow for even
more expansion. The two companies are rumored to have begun bidding on
classrooms and dorm rooms across campus to convert into coffee stands, and
are in talks with officials, and professors to have vendors sell coffee in
the classrooms themselves (think of the guys who sell beer in the stands at
baseball games). Anonymous sources have claimed that Starbucks is working on
a top-secret "Porta-Barista 5000"-- rumored to be a mobile coffee dispenser
which doubles as a Coffee Plantation vendor hunter-killer robot.
All in all, students seem unfazed by the corporate turf-war. As Rockology
sophomore and Russian exchange student Isolev Yorpriq put it so succinctly,
"Omigod! That'd be like SO cool, da?"
ladies and gentlemen, spread the word: